castro's Weekly Hades Itinerary

So, with all the rumors flying about regarding the death of castro, and considering I probably wouldn't add anything new to any of the speculation, I thought it would be fun to think about what castro would be looking forward to once that joyous day comes and he's issued an express ticket to Lucifer's flaming wonderland.

Warning: after writing this, I realized it gets a bit brutal…

Monday
Who hasn’t said “Mondays are hell”? There’s a reason: hell’s week actually DOES begin on a Monday. And on Monday, castro’s placed on Hell’s front porch, tied to a splinter-ridden paddle, where he spends the first part of the day receiving chanceltazos from every Cuban in the afterlife who'd like to swing by. After this warm-up, he’s thrown into the lake of fire, where he must spend the rest of the day swimming, continuously drowning or being eaten by sharks, over and over again. Hell’s demon coast guard will also patrol the waters and shoot him on sight.
A fun start to the week.

Tuesday
In Hades, Tuesday is Traditional Torture Day. castro has much scaphism, impaling, mancuerda, dismemberment and intestinal cranking, picquet, flagellation, peine forte et dure and more to look forward to.

Wednesday
castro’s “private time” with Satan. Let’s just say Wednesday’s are more up raul’s alley…

Thursday
Using his ration book, castro redeems broken glass and live scorpions for his consumption. They’re even much more fun going out than coming in.
On Thursday nights, he is allowed one hour to sleep – just not before his eyelids are removed and he’s placed in a small, bright room he must share with 6 barking, flea-infested dogs, 3 rattlesnakes, and a skunk – all while hanging from his toenails. He is free to sleep if he can.

Friday
After a night of “rest,” he starts his morning with a chore: every toilet in the first 2 rings of hell must be thoroughly cleaned – using only his beard.
After his chore is completed, he’s gathered up with Hitler and Pol Pot in a spectacular deathmatch for Satan’s entertainment. Their only weapons are dull spoons laced with the stinging cells of jellyfish. They must pummel each other until only one is left standing. The losers must die a thousand horrific deaths based on their worst fears and is made to feel the suffering they caused while alive. The winner only dies 999 deaths.

Saturday
Every Saturday, he is either shot in the head or stabbed in the balls for every dollar he was worth on earth. So we’re talking at least 900 million times.
Later he’s placed in shin bet position while his feet are roasted.

Sunday
castro is flayed alive with rusted barbed wire, rolled in rock salt, and marinated in garlic and lime juice. He’s then slow roasted in a caja china and fed to the three-headed demon dog that guards the gates of Hell.

As soon as the hellhound shits him out, he starts his week all over again.

(Please feel free to add any activities I may have left out...)